I don't really know where i'm going with this, or if it will ever be posted. Hopefully, I do end up posting it and maybe you will happen upon it. I am not going to tell anyone that it's here, I'm just going for it. This isn't a leap of faith, or anything like that. I was just looking out my window at the changing leaves this morning, and suddenly, my heart became overwhelmed, and I sat down to write this. I may or may not be judged, not taken seriously, or various other things.
But this is honest.
And that's the best I can do.
Why I cry, When I think about us.
Sometimes they're happy tears, and sometimes their sad, be regardless of the nature, the tears I cry are there. They cry because of happy things, and cry because of growing apart. Someone that I will always hold above everyone else. The care I have for you, for us, is deep, permanent, and always will be a part of me, regardless of where our lives carry us. You protected me, led me gently to love, and gently caught me in my ruins, and for that, I owe you more than you've gotten from me. I do not wish to will you back, given, that you have gone nowhere. You're always around somewhere, and what a true blessing that is to me. Sometimes I cry when I think about us crying, on eachother, with eachother, because life is hard. When I think about how sometimes we didn't know how to help eachother, but we just did, because it was easy. It's fall now and I think about how chilly weather, was a thing we loved and hated at the same time. I think about flannels. I think about Christmas pictures and Santa Hats. I think about us being chubby and skinny and chubby and skin, but making sure the other knew they were still beautiful. I remember physical letters. But this isn't really that much about the memories. It's more about just you. This was different from day one. I wasn't judged by you. Life became new, different, exciting and scary. I'm not the same. I'm who I am because of you, and I see that in myself sometimes. You molded me, with your presence. What a drastic thing. I never knew, that I could NOT talk to someone, and still see them as the same to me, as they always have been. Say we aren't anything, and knew deep down, we'll always be something. Giggles and cuddles, may be distant, but they still matter.
I cry when I think about how much I hated my life, and how much you loved my life. How I hated myself, but you loved me. How I was lost, and you helped me see that I wasn't, just in the dark for a while. I cry when I think about how selfish we were. How we talked down and took for granted, something that some people never have. How we have such a way with words, but we never use them.
I am using mine now.
This hasn't changed. Life has carried on, and taken us lightyears from basketball games, but for granted, is not enough to describe what this has been taken. We silently support eachother, cheer eachother on. Like always. I'm not ashamed of how confusing this is. I'm not worried about who cares if I feel this way. I know deep down, life changes, but I cry, because i'm happy, because whether or not it is spoken. I know we're the same.
I cry because so many things remind me of you.
I cry because so many things remind me of us.
I cry because God has blessed me with a beautiful gift.
I cry because of the wasted hours, we've taken our gift of eachother, and shoved it in the corner.
I cry because I love you, and because i'm happy that you're around. I cry because you're strong, and beautiful, and wonderful, and made to be in my life, even if it's distantly.
I know this is a lot of crying, but this is me having an emotional morning, and thinking of you, and how much I trust you, and when things happen, I want to tell you first. How my filter is not there, and I can be me.
We have changed but we haven't changed. Best.
++
No comments:
Post a Comment