It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and written out anything that is going on in my head. I almost feel like it isn’t a bad thing though, because it’s given me some time to live life as it is, be in the moment and figure out myself. I’ve been sick, i’ve been well, i’ve been happy and i’ve cried. Life ticks by despite what I want, and the faster time moves, the more I try to appreciate every moment.
Last week, my sister, who is 9, and my brother who is 17, made the decision to be baptized. As you can imagine my heart was filled with joy, for this time last year, my step-dad Mark, who is someone very dear to me, decided to be washed in the water as well, and from that moment on my perspective on love, and appreciation for him was changed. But when Jacob and Maggie decided to be baptized, it was different. Different because I had decided to be baptized too.
Yeah, so? No big deal right. No, it’s a BIG deal to me. When I was 8 years old I was baptized, at Pinnacle View Baptist Church, 5 minutes from my house. I knew who Jesus was then, but when I really thought about it, when the tug first began to be baptized again, I didn’t REALLY know Him. I knew who He was. He was like a person you meet one time at a family reunion, give them a hug, and if you’re me, you remember their face but can’t remember their name. He was an acquaintance. I don’t regret that. I was small, my mama was doing it, I knew Jesus died for my sins, so what’s the next step? Baptism. So I got baptized. That was it. I continued to live my life for the next 15 years. (Which still blows my mind because I hardly feel like I’ve lived 15 years, when in reality I’ve lived 23) All my life I have heard about people drifting away from God, turning their back on Him, in need of coming back into His arms. I don’t feel that way about myself. From my 8th year of life, all the way until I joined Freedom & Liberty church, I knew Jesus loved me, but I didn’t walk away from Him. You have to be walking with someone in the first place to walk away from them. I wasn’t walking with Jesus. I never knew what it was like to have comfort an peace in Him. I would post Bible verses mindlessly, because I felt it made me look better, when I wasn’t truly reading what they were saying. I knew what they said but I didn’t FEEL what they said. I didn’t trust Him. I lived my life in fear. Fear of the next day. Fear of the unknown. I didn’t go to church, I didn’t read the Bible, I didn’t listen to any worship music, but I was a ‘Christian’. I didn’t love myself. It was all going back to the day that I was baptized when I was 8 years old. That made me a Christian, right? Of course! I was baptized! I knew who Jesus was! Right. Fast forward to last year. Like, I said, my stepdad was baptized. That lit a fire. Not a wildfire, but more like a spark, like what happens when a small ember from a sparkler hits a patch of dry grass, or a cigarette ash hits a dry leaf in October. There’s not a fire right away, but before you know it, the forrest is up in flames. That was me. That was my insides. The ember landed in my heart in July of last year, and by late June of this year, I was up in flames.
The most special moment, by the sides of the two little humans who i've watched grow in Him, as we were washed by the water TOGETHER. And we thought our bond was unbreakable before.
My life is completely new. I try not to judge. I try to be accepting and loving. I try to be like Jesus. Want to know the difference? I know Him now! He and I are buddies, we hang out and talk when no one else is around. We talk when people are around! He’s the closest person to me, and my very very best friend. It took me 15 years to go from acquaintances, to best friends, but the beautiful part is, He doesn’t mind. He knew I would come to Him. He loves me anyway, and He is patient. So I got baptized, with my brother and sisters hands in mine, and though water usually would distinguish a fire, that river water sent my flames flying higher.
My stepdad put it perfectly. He said
“That water is as cold as ice, but when you come up you feel like you’re on fire.”
I think we’re on the same page here. I’m spot free and white as snow in the eyes of Him. Even when I feel the most flawed and imperfect.
Wanna know a secret? Jesus is a lot nicer than everyone says He is. Think of the nicest person you know. The most forgiving, sweet, angelic person you know. He is nice beyond that. Beyond anything you’ve ever known. We basically nailed His hands to the cross, shouted for His blood to be shed, and He loves us regardless. Think of the purest love you’ve ever known, and magnify it by a million. This thought comforts me in my most anxious times. And I thought I was a forgiving person. If the Lord wanted to pour out anger, like so many like to say He does, He would have. He created EVERYTHING. He is the epitome of “I brought you into this world, I can take you out.”
"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9
Friends will leave, but Jesus won’t. Family will die, but Jesus won’t. Life will change, but Jesus won’t. The world will not last, but you can bet everything you’ve ever known, that Jesus will.
Learning that has changed me.
Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten to this point. And if you’re reading this and i’ve ever hurt you because of my hateful judgmental nature over the years, just know that I love you, and I’m sorry.
I know this blog post seems eternal, but wanna know something? I have eternity to write, because of Him.
<3
God bless.
